My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
