My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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