I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
