i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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