She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
