Kiss
Puke
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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