New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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