just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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