just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
