I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
