I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
