Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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