my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
