she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize