my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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