I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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