Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
