Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
