He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
