Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
