Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
