I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
