you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i need some magic done to my vagina
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
