Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
