how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She announced her abortion via fbk
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
