My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
