oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize