Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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