I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
