im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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