No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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