these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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