Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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