The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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