dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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