Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
