Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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