I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
