Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
