Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
