I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
