if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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