just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
