I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
