You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
