Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
