i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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