I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
