why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You're like the curious george of whores
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
