I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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