the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
