a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
