Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
