What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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