even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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