you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
