Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
