barbara walters just said penis...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
