Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
