fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
