So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
