when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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