I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
